return my video game
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Randomize
