thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
