Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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