I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
