I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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