My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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