Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
