I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
