Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
