You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
this boner is exhausting
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
