I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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