Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Randomize
