Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
