Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize