So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
The police scanner is talking about you again....
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
