i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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