everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
