two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize