OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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