He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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