Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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