Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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