dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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