Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
