I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
