she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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