My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
