Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
