tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
