He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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