I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
