the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
