come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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