so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
So here I am, sexting at work.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize