so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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