Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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