it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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