fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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