I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
