2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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