I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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