his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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