1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
