I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
