I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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