there were more penises there than on chat roulette
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
