I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
