We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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