What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
