she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
