I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
