He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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