I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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