just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
