I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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