My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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