I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
