It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
