You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
